...Crying is often part of our daily life with the arrival of a baby. They can be difficult to experience, especially when they are frequent or when we fail to understand their meanings. Sometimes, as parents, we feel helpless, exhausted, in front of these, which is understandable.
However, crying is so important for baby. It is their only way to communicate that they need something, that something is wrong... Given that they have not yet acquired speech or walking to move around and meet their own needs. It is primarily a matter of survival for them!!
What is behind these cries?
Baby may have a physiological need (thirst, hunger, dirty diaper, heat...) or emotional (fear, feeling alone, overstimulation...). If baby cries, it means they need something, they cannot throw a tantrum before a certain age because their brain is not mature enough to manage their emotions.
It is obvious that this can sometimes be exhausting for a parent, but responding to these cries remains important. Recent research in neuroscience and psychology supports this. According to a study from Notre Dame University in the United States, for example, "leaving a baby to cry without trying to comfort them would have negative consequences for their health and could lead to anxiety problems in adulthood"
It is not about blaming parents on this matter but providing information. Nor about blaming the generations before us or the people around us who encourage us to let baby cry, for example.
Everyone deals with what they received from their parents, some advice from loved ones or professionals... The advances in this area are relatively recent and still not well known by many.
...You might think that all this is good in theory but sometimes practice is quite different and, quite simply, we just can't take it anymore!
It is also important to listen with kindness, as a parent. It is not always an easy role to hold. Before "losing it," it is sometimes better to momentarily put baby in a safe place and tell them that you need 5 minutes to collect yourself... Or to pass the baton to someone trustworthy.
In any case, don't stay alone in these moments, you can talk about it with your loved ones or trusted professionals, with other parents (during workshops with other parents, for example) and you will probably see that you are not so alone in facing these difficulties, and others might be able to offer solutions that suit you...
And what if crying was viewed from a more positive angle?
Did you know that they promote the secretion of hormones that encourage milk production, that they foster the parent–baby attachment bond, and the feeling of security in the baby when there is an appropriate response from the parent? Tears also help restore the body's chemical balance after stress... Therefore, it's not about eliminating them at all costs but rather learning to welcome and sometimes accompany them.
What about colic?
Today, the term colic is sometimes used frequently as soon as a baby cries. Not that these episodes don't exist, but it's a term that can be "restrictive" because sometimes behind it lies an emotional problem rather than stomach pain (although that can happen too!).
As a parent, we are primarily responsible for the baby's safety, seeking what disturbs them. We must ensure to provide an appropriate response to their immediate need, even if it is embarrassment.
In case of doubt (suspected pain, illness...), do not hesitate to consult a doctor. Also keep in mind that even if they are clean, full... some emotions can remain unmanageable for a baby.
Finally, if you have tried everything, and everything seems fine for the baby's well-being, perhaps it is worth just holding them in your arms with love and verbalizing that they can cry safely if they need to.
By the way, isn't it a sign of trust that they show you by allowing themselves to cry alongside you?
To conclude, here is a touching and meaningful text:
"Imagine you have just experienced a traumatic event, something that profoundly disturbed you. You are on the verge of tears and unable to relax or focus.
You will find a friend or your partner to seek help. You start talking about what happened to you and how you feel about it.
After a moment of empathy, your friend begins to calm you down by saying:
"It will be okay, it will be okay, don't think about it anymore, please don't cry, I can't stand it when you cry. Come on, give me a smile now. Let me prepare something to eat for you. Maybe you should see a doctor?". You will probably wipe away your tears and internalize your suffering, in order to preserve your friendship and also because your friend's response showed you that you cannot be yourself in their presence.
Now, imagine yourself in the same situation, receiving a different response from your friend.
You start talking about what happened to you and how you feel. Your friend looks you straight in the eyes, leans forward, and takes your hand saying:
"I am here for you, tell me what happened. I can see that you are really suffering and I want you to know that I love you and want to help you overcome this experience."
She hugs you and you break down into deep sobs, protected by her presence. You let yourself go, sometimes in an incoherent way, and she says to you:
"Tell me more... And then what happened? It must have hurt you a lot."
You will find her sincere, and this trust will make you capable of letting go and finally regaining control. Your relationship will be stronger, your friend will feel good because she was there for you, and you will feel more able to restore a calm functioning.
Article "Listening to Babies" by Vimala McClure, founder of the AFMB (French Association of Baby Massage)
